|Surgeon General Regina M. Benjamin|
WASHINGTON – 30.6% of Americans are obese, ranking the US as the world “largest” country. Shows like Man vs. Food enamor the nation, and Heart Attack Grill stays profitable – despite their #1 customer dying from a heart attack. Needless to say, the populace is obsessed with consumption and a “size matters” mentality.
The obesity epidemic is a heavy issue not to be taken lightly. That’s why the Surgeon General is taking the dilemma face first. A markedly overweight citizen herself, Surgeon General Regina M. Benjamin holds the obesity epidemic near, dear, and all around her heart. Possessing a MBA degree from Tulane University, as America’s doctor she provides the public with her favorite ideas on how to improve ones health.
“Like most Americans, I was contemplating getting in shape the other day while sitting on my couch watching TV. Just before I gave up, though, I saw an add for Snickers candy bars”, said Benjamin during her Snickers A Day announcement. “What caught my attention was their catch phrase, ‘Snickers Satisfies’.”
Infatuated by the commercial, Benjamin put on a sweat suit and drove to the nearest 7Eleven drive-through, where she purchased two Snickers. “They were delicious, and before eating the second one I already felt full.”
Earlier today while announcing her Snickers A Day initiative, Benjamin explained how milk chocolate contains traces of calcium and that peanuts are a source for healthy fats. “Snickerspossess nearly all necessary nutrients, and reduced fat Snickers offer an even healthier option”, said Benjamin. Additionally, she explained that since Snickers satisfy hunger, they’re a healthy choice for Americans looking to trim down.
To assess the effectiveness of her Snickers A Day initiative, Benjamin has declared that every student deserves access to at least one bar a day. Snickers will now be served with school lunches along side the Surgeon Generals approved vegetable and starch – ketchup and french-fries.
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This article was sponsored by Snickers, Inc.
A Satirical News Piece, by Sebastian Scholl