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Surgeon General Approves Snickers as a Diet Bar

Surgeon General Regina M. Benjamin
WASHINGTON – 30.6% of Americans are obese, ranking the US as the world “largest” country.  Shows like Man vs. Food enamor the nation, and Heart Attack Grill stays profitable – despite their #1 customer dying from a heart attack.  Needless to say, the populace is obsessed with consumption and a “size matters” mentality.
The obesity epidemic is a heavy issue not to be taken lightly.  That’s why the Surgeon General is taking the dilemma face first.  A markedly overweight citizen herself, Surgeon General Regina M. Benjamin holds the obesity epidemic near, dear, and all around her heart.  Possessing a MBA degree from Tulane University, as America’s doctor she provides the public with her favorite ideas on how to improve ones health.
“Like most Americans, I was contemplating getting in shape the other day while sitting on my couch watching TV.  Just before I gave up, though, I saw an add for Snickers candy bars”, said Benjamin during her Snickers A Day announcement. “What caught my attention was their catch phrase, ‘Snickers Satisfies’.”
Infatuated by the commercial, Benjamin put on a sweat suit and drove to the nearest 7Eleven drive-through, where she purchased two Snickers.  “They were delicious, and before eating the second one I already felt full.”
Earlier today while announcing her Snickers A Day initiative, Benjamin explained how milk chocolate contains traces of calcium and that peanuts are a source for healthy fats.  Snickerspossess nearly all necessary nutrients, and reduced fat Snickers offer an even healthier option”, said Benjamin.  Additionally, she explained that since Snickers satisfy hunger, they’re a healthy choice for Americans looking to trim down. 
To assess the effectiveness of her Snickers A Day initiative, Benjamin has declared that every student deserves access to at least one bar a day.  Snickers will now be served with school lunches along side the Surgeon Generals approved vegetable and starch – ketchup and french-fries.
Related News Article:
       Man Sues Steakhouse After Suffering Heart Attack Caused by 96oz Sirloin Challenge
       Mirror Manufacturer Designs Slimming Reflection Glass
       Woman Wears Lululemon Hoping to Improve her Yoga Practice

This article was sponsored by Snickers, Inc.
A Satirical News Piece, by Sebastian Scholl


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