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Sebastian Scholl

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NEWS BRIEF: Boston

Conservative Student Impressed by College Professor Being Open-Minded

News Brief

BOSTON – Early this morning during a level two Spanish course, conservative student Jeremy Way was super impressed by his professor assuring the class that he was not trying to bias them – moments before brutally slandering any and all beliefs that were even remotely right wing. “Look, I’m not here to tell you guys what’s right or wrong.  We are all entitled to our own opinions and millions of Americans have sacrificed their lives to preserve us that right – I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I’m creating an un-accommodating environment to those who have different beliefs,” said professor Gonzales seconds before stating that anyone who supports the Tea Party is an ignorant elitist asshole who doesn’t care about anyone but themselves and should be shot.  Additionally, Way reported that Gonzales often goes off on tangents completely unrelated to course material during which he explains to students how their beliefs are pathetically uninformed and flawed; however, he takes great comfort in that Gonzales promotes a free thinking and open-minded classroom. 
    
UPDATE: Still Unclear Which Party Will Be Held Responsible for Boston Tragedy
New Brief
WASHINGTON – In light of gun control issues, terror attacks, and anything we’ve been effectively distracted from seeing, zealots from both political parties are patriotically standing their ground, blaming the other for recent events.  While accusations have been heated and inane, no one is yet sure which party will be held responsible for last week’s tragedies.  Liberals argue that if people didn’t have access to pressure cookers and Home Depots these events would have never happened.  Therefore, new legislation is being drafted that calls for background checks on kitchen supply and hardware store customers.  Conservatives, though, adamantly believe that any halfwit could have prevented the tragedies if everybody had Ar 15 rifles, grenades in their glove compartments, and a vigilante spirit.  Looking forward, legislators believe it may take one or two more tragedies for their proposals to be enacted, while conservatives pray that some average guy in Texas will use a firearm to heroically prevent a crime from occurring.
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