WEST PALM BEACH, FL – In an emotional plea last Tuesday, Jodi Arias begged that the jury sentence her to a life in prison instead of the death penalty. Along with her plea she drove a hard bargain by promising that in return for her life she would start a prison book club, try really hard to recycle, continue to donate her hair to the Locks of Love charity, and teach Spanish to fellow inmates who are not already fluent – a very useful skill in Arizona penitentiaries.
While the jury took the necessary time to write up “pros and cons” on a courthouse chalkboard – weighing the benefits of Arias’ offer against the responsibility of supporting with tax dollars the life of a psychotic felon – Locks of Love charity president, Madonna W. Coffman, hurriedly issued the following statement, pleading for Arias’ life.
To The Jury,
As president of the Locks of Love charity, I would like formally state that our organization begs you [the jury] to grant Jodi Arias her life in prison – so that every 12 to 14 months she may be able to donate some of her hair, assuming that she is able to maintain long, beautiful, and healthy hair when living in hell.
Look, we get it. She stabbed her boyfriend in the shower over 30 times, slit his throat, shot him in the head, and pleaded guilty. But let me tell you something, I’ve seen a lot of hair in my day, and brunettes like Jodi are few and far between. If you sentence her to death, you will not only be taking