This is embarrassing. For several years now I’ve considered myself both a brave and intelligent person, but not anymore. This morning I endured an experience that has uprooted any prior confidence I had in my masculinity. Though while still sore and in shock, I’m deliberately throwing my integrity upon the sacrificial alter of comedy to share an outrageously bizarre event with you that started my day just hours ago.
It is exams week, and in order for my days start with a new ring (literally), I changed the alarm tone on my iPhone. The old “Marimba” tone, which I had religiously used for years, had become a sound more associated with snooze than wake-up. And after a romanticizing conversation over the weekend with a close friend regarding dogs, I decided that there could be no better way to wake-up than to the sound of an electronic bark.
As exams week does encourage, I finally made my way into bed around 2:30am last night. And as a result woke in an enhanced state of delirium to the sound of an unfamiliar bark. While straining to open my eyes, an out of focus image of my room gradually buffered into clarity like a pixilated web page does with slow Internet.
Before my world had fully come into focus, and while searching my bedside to investigate on what was barking, a demon presented itself. To my horror, in the middle of the room stood the hazy silhouette of a massive black canine. And in my fading state of dreaminess, exaggerated by the unfamiliar noise, I became wholly convinced that the barking was unmistakably coming from the beastly intruder.
I screamed like a 13-year-old girl at a Backstreet Boys concert, hurling the cell phone I had found a second earlier clear across the room and myself flat against the wall behind my bed. Suffering what seemed at the time to be fatal heart, head, and fingernail trauma, I began to think of all those things I wish I had time to say to those I loved; however, when the initial pain did surcease I became aware that my heart was still beating.
Naturally I grabbed the closest practical weapon available to me – a pillow – while all my survival instincts besides common sense were operating on high alert. However, as I grew aware of the fact that this unwelcome guest stood perfectly still, cautiously I began to investigate that which was in front me. And with eyes that were now in top function.
When I was younger my mother always advised me to not leave clothes clumsily lying around my room – advice that until now I didn’t know had dire consequences when ignored. Upon returning home last night, I casually tossed my black Patagonia jacket over my couch, which coincidentally landed in a form that – from the sleeping angle of my bed – greatly resembled a large dog with the assistance of other garments laying about.
Sometimes in life we have to learn the hard way, and during such times suffer untreatable blows to our egos and sense of self. In my case, it was learning to always put clothes away properly; because if you don’t they can be mistaken for a massive black dog that will terrify you near the point of heart failure when waking up in morning. You’ve been warned.
* It has been exams week, and as a result I’ve found myself catching up with a semesters worth of academic writing, which has distracted me from posting to the blog for the past few days. After the assignments are, and studying is, over I’ll be back to my normal grind.